So I’m not like you, I’ll never be like you. You who hold your head high and introduce yourself to people with ease. You who can love being yourself and not give a rats ass about anyone who doesn’t.

I can’t. I don’t have your strength, I don’t have your bravery. I can’t look myself in the mirror without averting my gaze and when the situation arises to show just that little bit of me I want others to love I clam up. I don’t want to be an imposter my whole life, this fake version of me I show everyone else. But I fear rejection too much, not just from strangers I’ve never met but from you… out of everyone rejection from you would hurt the most.

I hide myself for a reason, I hear the tired old clichés like ‘just be yourself’ and I want to follow them, I want to feel like a good person when I share that advice instead of just feeling like a fake and a hypocrite but I can’t. I just can’t be you…

No matter how hard I try or how much I want to be…

I hate how I constantly have to look over my shoulder to see who’s watching. I hate feeling small around people who most assuredly came to terms with themselves a long time ago.  I hate that every time I see you look at me it seems like you see right though my mask, I hate how terrible that makes me feel.

Most of all I hate how nice you are, how good you make me feel and how much worse it makes me feel when you’re gone.

I want to be you.

But I can’t…

-T. E. Nangst